Luck....

I feel lucky to have him.. I do. I dont know which stars aligned or who was in charge... (ok I do) but you know... I dont know why I deserve him...
Most days.... he keeps me sane... and as I write this at 10:52 pm he is entertaining the girls who are up WAY TOO LATE... and eating the cheese toasts I just made him.

I eat my salad and grumble :)... its ok.. the onions and feta will get him later :)

We struggle him and I... really we do...

and yet, even in struggle... I still am thankful..greatful for him. For his laughter, for his calmness.. for the way he makes me mellow. For his compassion and understanding.. for him. For his acceptance of me when all around us judge... for loving me.. me.. exactly the way I am...


I dont take photos with him anymore.. the last three babies in rapid succession have taken their tole... I wear their scars.. sometimes not so proud.
I use to be pretty..
I use to be skinny...
I use to turn heads.
I am a mom now.. that is gone.
But when I feel the most like that, I still turn his head. He told me today that I looked more beautiful than I had in months...
I think he told me the same thing last week...
How on earth do I deserve him.... let alone how did I find him?

somewhere half way across the desert right?

the kids are screaming now as he tries in vain to watch something on tv...S pulled my tablet off my desk so know he is cleaning something red off the floor ... I swear.. there is no down time here. the crying, the noise.. wow.

i yell.
he calms.
baby... it will be ok... it is ok...........
promise?
it doesnt feel ok....

Austyn just came in and said.. Im sorry I hurt your feelings.. it was a accccc se dent.
right, an accident.

why do they have to be cute when I am angry?

Austyn just said.. hey HEY... lets get out of this place... really NOW.. there are monsters... I need to go.. lets go... its time for bed.. lets go?
She is hilarious... I want to bottle her.

How can she say she is sorry when there are those that need to that dont? How can their world be so pure, so full in color when as adults life is so black and white?

Life is confusing... my gosh.
We all just try to get by, I am so very thankful that I have him by my side...
him and well all of our many children...



We are learning the walk.. the plan.. the dream... we are.... bumps.. yes... detours.. many.. laugh lines... o yeah...

we are trying to be good parents... and good to each other... and it is working :)

I cant tell you that some days I dont wish to be young again.. to chase leaves and to think all is right.. but I will say this....
I am busy making this my own.. I am busy making my family know wrong from right.... and I think we are all busy chasing Cinderella..... (of course she has so much to teach us)

She is one of many... teaching us the lessons that somehow along the way we missed. Thank you Cinderella...

Thank you Jerid.
xox

a bath a cake and a friday night......

Friday nights... funny... I still think football games.. dates... dressing up.. going out. Even tho my friday nights look like this these days......




We made my favorite cake tonight and it is sooooooo easy... I love it... and yes.. Austyn is cooking naked... lovely one.

Tres Leches
1/2 cup butter
1 cup sugar
5 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 1/2 cups flour
1 1/2 tsp baking powder


Heat oven to 350 degrees grease 13x9 baking pan... set aside. Beat butter and sugar together.. mix in eggs and vanilla by hand.. gradually add flour and baking powder.. cook for approx 30 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean....

Combine
1 cup milk
1 14oz can sweetened condensed milk
1 can evaporated milk

Pour over cake when you take it out of the oven... let cake come to room temperature and then chill for 4 hours....

topping...
mix 1 1/2 cup heavy whip cream
1/4 cup powder sugar
1/2 teaspoon vanilla


Im telling you this is ONE YUMMY CAKE!!!!!! Try it... you will love it!!!!! So after cake making it was bath time... and little McCall just loves his bath.. so I had to get some snaps of that.. he is getting so dang big....


Hey hey look......... are those toes???????????????????????????



Life is sweet... we just have to find it... and I think that these friday nights will hold many more memories than the ones of my youth...football games and dressing up are long gone.. its ok we are raising little people here you know :)

o and Bug.... I love you... take the bed if you need it.... its yours :)

just two... just because......

All I wanted...

All i wanted was to be a mom. I remember as a child playing house with my friends and demanding to be the mom. I wanted a billion children... and a house on a hill with a white picket fence. I wanted to sit in a porch swing and sing to my kids. I wanted to make their clothes and make lemonaid. Its all I wanted. I wanted to be like my mom.. to keep a perfect house.. to bake cookies and hide all the worlds inperfections from my children. I wanted them to know nothing bad, nothing evil. I grew up loved, and happy and safe and I wanted the same for my own children.
I am a mom now... and it seems so hard. When I wake in the morning to someone crying I know how the day will be. I live in a constant whirl of laundry..dishes... meals... schedules... carpools.. time-outs and more laundry.. I feel that so much of every day is spent doing the same damn thing. This is what I wanted. I wanted this. I created this. And yet I find myself wondering sometimes where the magic door out is. I feel like I live in a state of working for my family, where I thought we would always work together...
How is it that this is where I am...... how is it that this is so far from where I came from... how is it that 5 little people look up to me to make the decisions, the plans the dreams and yet I can't make mine?
My baby just came in and asked me if she could sing me a princess song because I am her princess...she told me the sun went down... but mommy... where did it go?????????? she sang... her beautiful blue eyes looking into mine. I stopped typing. I stopped worrying...

I guess if I can be a 3 year olds princess then my world isnt that bad... is it?

Thank goodness the sun went down.... and thank God.. that it will all be back tomorrow. I really wouldnt want it any other way.