I just want to sew............

really......
quilt something beautiful. embroider it....

i dont want to be here and do this today. really i dont.

my hands look old as i type and it scares me.
my tears run down my hands and fall into the dry cracks and it hurts.
i told him i was done today.
done with the whole charade......
i was angry and he just didnt understand... didnt understand who i was and how i got here.. and how we got here...
and neither did i.
we went round and round and round again.......all back to the pretty little box that life just doesn't quite fit into. somedays the wrapping fits, but just not quite the bow.

its a vicious circle. a vicious cycle.


its scary to want out and yet not know where to go... its scary to know you need to stay. we are not children anymore him and i... we have lots of them.. but children we are not. our decisions are permanent. binding. complete.

it scares me. we say things in anger that cut to the quick.. words that we cant ever take back and yet we say them.. loudly even.

i want to run and know, that this is where i would run to. How in heck do you explain that?
as a child,
My mom use to vaccuum..............constantly...........
She was desperately clinging to making a clean healthy home.
900 square feet.
she vacuumed.
cleaned and cleaned and cleaned and cleaned....................................................
and then she stopped. one day she stopped. unplugged the vaccuum and...
.. played with us
my brother and I.
she sat on the floor.
and played.
for 15 years......on the floor playing with us.
She swears, the best 15 years of her life.
She says she had to gain perspective.
she did.
She had to figure it out.
and she did.
She wrote in her journal.
she was our mom.
She loved being our mom.
She would not trade those years for anything.
my mom is an optimist.


i wish i were more like her.


Again Today : (Brandi Carlile)

Broken sticks and broken stones
Will turn to dust just like our bones
It's words that hurt the most now isn't it
Are you sad inside, are you home alone
If I could just pick up the phone
Maybe you could see a better day
And you won't waste away
under my watchful eye
Because I'm your hero and you're my weakness

Who's gonna break my fall
When the spinning starts
The colors bleed together and fade
Was it ever there at all
Or have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today

I'm broken down, not good enough
The broken promises add up
To twice their weight in tears which I have caused

I'm afraid to sink, I'm afraid to swim
I'm sad to say I miss my friends
I know that I'm supposed to step away
But they need me to stay and keep a watchful eye
On all my heroes and all their demons

But who's gonna break my fall
When the spinning starts
The colors bleed together and fade
Was it ever there at all
Or have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again
Not today
Not today

Was it ever there at all
And have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today

Broken sticks and broken stones
Will turn to dust just like our bones again today
I'm broken down
Not good enough
The broken promises add up again today

Was it ever there at all
And have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today
Again today



im not sure why it seems so hard some days.. and why other days it just seems like life.



i am angry and wish to take back a long long drive on a friday night a long long time ago. take back a last name and mayberry. take back promises that i am having to live up to.

growing up huh? life... lines.....
this is all so much harder than I had imagined.

Was it ever there at all
And have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today
Again today

Happiness....

found this today...
Help me Lord, to make a true use of all disappointments and calamities in this life, in such a way that they may unite my heart more closely with you. Cause them to separate my affections from worldly things and inspire my soul with more vigor in the pursuit of true happiness. Susanna Wesley.....

I have been for some time trying to find good in the bad.... to find thankfulness in my sorrow.. this quote hit it right on the head...

I have so much.
So so many things to be thankful for and to be happy about.... they are all around me.... I need to stop all of the questioning...
my dear friend told me... look at the bad, the ugly and find the good in it......be thankful Kell...............really.........

I thought.........ok what?
look at the bad and find the good....

huh????


and then it hit me....
i was talking to another friend who was at my house this week.. and I told her... yes.. moving here was hard but Makenna is so much more here.... she is who she was supposed to become here...
and...
my relationship with my mom is so much more now...
we had to walk this walk together..
find each other again..
respect each other as mothers again...
its been a bumpy walk... but worth it I told her...
she is again..
my best friend.
i didnt have that in California.
So yes, I am thankful....

I wish my parents were here.. closer... driving distance... dinner distance, I miss them like crazy.... but I am thankful.

I try to think of pretty words to say about missing Mason... words that will make it ok but I dont quite have them yet... I accept that.. and am thankful for knowing that..
its a work in progress....
a moment at a time...
im ok with that........
i am,
or I am trying to be.
(honest right?)

I am thankful to have a husband who quilts with me, sews all my pieces together... matches socks and teases me with MY bandana on.....does the dishes without tooo tooooo much begging and overall is the most amazing man I have ever met (ok up there with my dad, brother and Bumpa)... he is someone who's word means more to me than anything... a man who understands me.. understands my reason for McCall... for my phone addiction and for wanting salt EVERY night at 10pm.........
he loves me.
I tried to disect it many MANY times.......
i did......
why?
how?

but he loves me........
i stopped questioning....

he may kill me for posting that photo.... but he will still love me :)

I am thankful that as spicy as she is that she didnt kill the cat :)



I am so thankful that I have the kind of relationship with my daughter that I had with my mom.......... she is so dear to me and I honestly couldnt do it without her..
and no matter how big they get......
they still look like angels when they sleep.........


ok and she is just cute.........


We spent the whole entire day today cleaning so that tomorrow we can sew......... Jerid taught Hank a new trick.. he says BABY... and Hank gets up next to McCall wherever he is and lays there to protect him (you know from rolling off the couch) it is pretty dang cute!!!!!!




life is hard... I will give you that.. it is.
But it is also a journey... we have to own it...
enjoy the path.....the bends, the curves, the rocks in the road.
the getting lost......the inability to find our way......
part of it... it is.

we have to enjoy the journey.........


and in the end, i want to look back with fond memories............ that was the day we...............................
even if the what we did was socks right?


he looks like one of the wise men to me..............

i wish I could pick his brain :)

Look no further.............

I might have been a singer
Who sailed around the world

A gambler who wins milions
And spent it all on girls

I might have been a poet
Who walked upon the moon

A scientist
Who would tell the world
I discovered something new

I might have loved a king
Been the one to end a war

A criminal
Who drinks champagne
And never
Could be caught

But among your books
Among your clothes
Among the noise
And fuss
I've let it go

I can't stop
And catch my breath
And look no further
For happiness
And I will not
Turn again
Cause my heart
Has found it's home

Everyone
I'll never meet
And the friends
I wont now make
The adventures
That they
Could have been
And the risks
I'll never take

But among your books
Among your clothes
Among your noise
And fuss
I've let it go

I can't stop
And catch my breath
And look no further
For happiness
And I will not
Turn again
Cause my heart
Has found it's home

Dido..."look no further"


I relate to music... to the sound... to the words.......
the words...

I read them to Jerid.. to Makenna... to Mom.... to Lish... to anyone who will listen....
I read them again........

quiz them... do you get it I say? really do you?
Jerid told me memories are personal... they are.
but I am a girl..... I want to share them... discuss them, disect them...... pull them apart into itty bitty pieces and then glue them back together all pretty...
you know, decopauge them.....with buttons and such....

right.

I sit here and giggle now.

Could have been and should have beens and would have beens............................

the past, that fortells the future. The decisions that we made that change it... the turns we took that are part of the path.

There are some things that I am learning that I must let go.
Crazy things that will mean nothing to anyone but me.

I hated sunflowers.
Im sorry I lied.
The black dress was too tight.
I knew it was over.
I didnt want to be there.
I only called you to hurt her.
I wish you had never come.
I hated Ty because I was jealous..
I didnt know you could love us both.
I knew I didnt deserve you.
I was scared.
She made me more than a mom.
My choices were poor.
When I left with him... you werent the only one to cry.
Ive missed you.
Thank you for keeping them. thank you mom.
Im glad you have never held her..
holding me was damage enough.
baggage.
the lines were thin, blurred.
fences crossed.
im sorry I couldnt fix you.
your brain cancer made me face my mortality.
you leaving made me face the truth.
i may never go to Tahoe again.
or eat spaghetti the same.
I am more without you.
I shouldnt miss you.. I should thank you.
i may never.

I am learning to accept the I may never's........... most days I am overwhelmed by the .... omygoodness SHE DIDNT!!!!!!!!!!

Savanah brushed Shreks teeth this morning.........with MY toothbrush!!!!! I asked her why she didnt use hers.........she said.....
Shrek likes YOURS!
for you Lish...........




They spilt nuts all over yesterday.......... I was pretty mad........... Austyn started singing... we are the Wonder Pets........ and we are doing T E A M W O R K.............
teamwork mom..................
I wanted to yell.............give me the dang broom.
let me clean it.
but I let them continue...........it was pretty cute.
Today we spent the day...........well doing the same dang thing............
Savanah tried to balance her baby on McCall's head........


then he got a phonecall.........

then a little smothering......

arent sisters great???????????????

We have a budding artist on our hands................. Austyns photo of McCall....... with his little legs(yeggs)

Her photo of Yisha and Dan Bennett


so the road is long and I feel like I am traveling in circles...........I am trying to own it.. to not regret...... I am.
To be thankful even in adversity......
bear with me...
its windy.

All I wanted...

All i wanted was to be a mom. I remember as a child playing house with my friends and demanding to be the mom. I wanted a billion children... and a house on a hill with a white picket fence. I wanted to sit in a porch swing and sing to my kids. I wanted to make their clothes and make lemonaid. Its all I wanted. I wanted to be like my mom.. to keep a perfect house.. to bake cookies and hide all the worlds inperfections from my children. I wanted them to know nothing bad, nothing evil. I grew up loved, and happy and safe and I wanted the same for my own children.
I am a mom now... and it seems so hard. When I wake in the morning to someone crying I know how the day will be. I live in a constant whirl of laundry..dishes... meals... schedules... carpools.. time-outs and more laundry.. I feel that so much of every day is spent doing the same damn thing. This is what I wanted. I wanted this. I created this. And yet I find myself wondering sometimes where the magic door out is. I feel like I live in a state of working for my family, where I thought we would always work together...
How is it that this is where I am...... how is it that this is so far from where I came from... how is it that 5 little people look up to me to make the decisions, the plans the dreams and yet I can't make mine?
My baby just came in and asked me if she could sing me a princess song because I am her princess...she told me the sun went down... but mommy... where did it go?????????? she sang... her beautiful blue eyes looking into mine. I stopped typing. I stopped worrying...

I guess if I can be a 3 year olds princess then my world isnt that bad... is it?

Thank goodness the sun went down.... and thank God.. that it will all be back tomorrow. I really wouldnt want it any other way.