"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal- is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he has been robbed. The fact is that most putts don't drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to be just people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, and most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is just like an old time rail journey with delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinder, and jolts, interspersed occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."---Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley
"The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one." - Elbert Hubbard

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Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Well anyhow....

Jerid and I fought tonight.... the yucky I dont want to be here anymore fights... you know the ones... the where is the door? Where is out? Why am I here? It was one of those... made even more perfect by the yelling and threats.... good times.... for sure.
One of those fights where life seems like a better plan somewhere else, anywhere else... just not here and for surely not the heck now. I can honestly say that I can count on one hand the times we have fought like that... I hate it.. it sucks...
Life is hard sometimes.. sometimes our dreams outweigh reality... sometimes the reality is much harder than originally planned... sometimes the crying, the bills, the lack of sleep... the juggling the organizing.. sometimes life.. well sometimes it smothers me. Sometimes I feel like I am stuck in Mayberry trying to figure it all out alone... sometimes.. somedays.. I hate that.. that is the honest truth.
And then I am reminded of just how precious life is. A shock really... a slap in the face perhaps... I was trying to find a photo of Jerid and I to put in this post and stumbled upon a folder of photos from last summer... when I drove to Idaho for a wedding and for a much too premature goodbye...

You see... one of my cousins was saying "I do" and another was saying goodbye...... it was so wrong and yet so right all at once. It was a conflict of emotions.. an assault on my heart. Mad.. happy... happy... sad.... pissed... and above all...
I was so mad at God.
Id be lying if I said I am over that... I am working on it.. but not over it. Its hard sometimes to trust him and to understand the bigger plan...
We are a society where we want to know right now what is going on and why it is what it is and what will happen tomorrow and if its not toooo tooo much to ask can I have a road map and some really good drinks for the trip??????????????

Really.... the uncertain scares me.

But I know this. I made vows. For better or worse...
I love him... someday this will all seem like a little blip.. right?????????
Sometimes it seems easier to walk (run) away... but dangit... look at the luggage I would have to pack for all of these kids... think about it.. the logistics... the drama...

I learned something when my two cousins were at such different crossroads in their lives...
and its funny we celebrated one's journey and mourned the others... maybe we should have celebrated both?

they were nearly the same age...
it didnt seem fair but they were both starting a new and unique journey... they both knew it..
one was preparing for a husband and to have children...
the other was preparing to say goodbye to his...

I spoke to him nearly everyday for the next 6 weeks, sometimes many many times a day..I memorized his voice, his laughter... him
...I tried to make him hopeful, talked about warm beaches.. feeling good again... beating cancer... camping... dreaming... dancing...
you know the talks...
you have so much to live for...
look at your children....
we love you...

you will be ok...promise....
Photobucket

he is gone. but I try to remember these things everyday. Life is hard.. really stinking hard.. and most days a challenge that Id like to walk from. But honestly...

we have so much to live for....
look at my children....
i love him.....

we will be ok... promise............


thank you so much Ben, for everything.. for it all...... I love and miss you so so much.

It is the sweet simple things of life which are the real ones...... after all.
Laura Ingles Wilder....

5 comments:

Brittany said...

Thanks for that post....I think we can all feel frusterated with our lives and think it is so hard, and then we realize that we are blessed and need to just make it work and keep living, to live like we were dying...(Love that Tim McGraw song...)

Cute pictures of your kids...I love the post about S and the powder!! Funny! I am glad you take the time to take pictures...you will laugh about it for years to come!

Hey, I don't know if you have had a chance to check out our blog, I posted about Kaylee's surgery today...it is easier than calling a million people and explaining everything a million times!

Hope to see you soon...we will be there for Nick's Bday...so maybe we we can do a double bday dinner since yours is coming up too!

love Brittany

Tanya Bennett said...

Hang in there - you have been through more in the last few years then most of us will experience...maybe....ever!
Life is hard and I don't see it wanting to get any easier anytime soon. You can trust God...have faith....let your spirit reconnect with the basics...when everything seems to be falling apart around you - would you trade places with anyone else? really? things are tough here too and I have had to do alot of self talk to just want to get up in the morning. I thought I was through the difficult, unsure, emotional time in my life along time ago, but hey what do you know, it found me again. Utah was propably a very hard adjustment and then a small town to top it off. I think you have done great - I would have caved along time ago. I can truly say I understand and wish I could do or say something to ease your mind. I try to remember I have alot to be thankful for this season, even if it's hidden between my trials.
"the joy of motherhood comes in moments. There will be hard times and frustrating times. But, amid the challenges, there are shining moments of joy and satisfaction."
I think this applies to marriage as well!
We love you and think about you all often.

michelle nicoloff said...

Oh Kelly...you made me cry! I love reading your blog...your honesty...life sometimes takes us through seasons...and we just have to hold tight and have faith. I am having a season too...thanks for reminding me that I am not alone.

Hugs to you !

Michelle

Alinta said...

Sometimes, somedays we do wonder what on earth we are doing and why we chose the life we did. But then there are 'those' moments that make your heart swell with love and warmth and you know eactly why.

Im really enjoying your honest posts lately, and as always touched by your beautiful pictures. We all have those days and arguments, but thankfully most of the time they pass and things change. Just like you have been doing this month, we must be so thankful for what good things we do have in our lives, and remember these frequently. Take care.

Martha Bravo said...

Kelly you have me in tears here, your post just came across at the perfect time, I needed a slap in the face too, thanks for giving it to me, sometimes I can be stubborn and this post just touched me.
Gracias!
I miss you