"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal- is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he has been robbed. The fact is that most putts don't drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to be just people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, and most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is just like an old time rail journey with delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinder, and jolts, interspersed occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."---Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley
"The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one." - Elbert Hubbard

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Thursday, November 27, 2008

Giving thanks.............

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really.... all day... we gave thanks... for our family.. for our dinner.. for our choices.......

we gave thanks....
our kids played.. they played with our friends kids.....
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our kids tried not to smother the baby.... we talked to our sweet Mason and he laughed that I was going shopping at 3am... we dealt with miss M and her relationship with her brother.. we survived.
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I got shopping lists... from many many kiddos......Santa wishes.........Christmas dreams.... and tried to figure out where we were going to put anything.....
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McCall just laughed at us.
And I thought how cool it would be to be him! Just chubby and oblivious and cute.. and well smiling at the world!
He truly is a doll... no jealousy of his siblings... no wierdness.... no favorites...
i love it.
We looked at our lights... I want more but must be happy with what we have right?
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Giving thanks...... thanks....... giving.
Loving each other, loving one another.... loving ourselves and loving God.. being thankful...
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Dang I love these men.... I cant wait to see if McCall turns out as handsome as his dad..............

and if he is half as grateful, well........... we will have it made.
wont we.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

my boy crush.... in color..........

Honestly... have you heard this? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UBk07l2aKrE
really... I told Jerid tonight that I have a boy crush... really I do... listen to this song.......

did you really listen?
Its probably wierd how many times I have listened to him on itunes today......but honestly... real country that still exists.....thank you so much...........

real...

life is real right... the stuff I see.... the days I live? Yep. Real.
Remember when we were kids.... dukes of hazzard was rough and lincoln logs were cool? That was real.

I browsed the black friday adds today... my girlfriend wants to leave at 2:30 AM!!!!!!!!! and I thought......crap.... some days my kids dont even go to bed till then...

Kohls at 4am......then walmart then target then Cabelas..........then lunch????????? somewhere that preferably serves something to take the edge off?????????

I am tired already.... and it is not even turkey day yet!!!!!

Savanah told me today she had a green hat.........um close.......right?
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And McCall.... he is 4 months old now...........how in heck did that happen? When you are pregnant those months drag.....when your precious chubby baby is here.. well
time flys.
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honestly he is so cute I could eat him! He tried real food tonight and gobbled it up.............. SURPRISE!!! Little chubby one.....man how we love him!!!
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funny thing about that song........... In color...... it talks about seeing things in photos...........that they are black and white but if you were there it would have been in color......
i get it.
Sometimes I would prefer to just look forward but there is tangible proof of the past...
photos.
letters...
dreams.....

children.

dang it.

if it were only black in white..............

i wish.

i do.
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maybe black in white is better sometimes? Maybe the grain is enough to hide? Maybe just maybe sometimes color is just too much?
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You think?
Maybe its overboard in color? What about the stuff we would miss tho?

the song says.......you can't see what those shades of grey can cover..........you should have seen it in color.............thats the story of my life... right there in black in white..............trying to survive....

you should have seen it......


in color.

you should have seen it.
in color.



really................
it was beautiful......
it was different.......
it was then.


in color.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Preview for some wonderful girls!!!!!

Honestly... I love it when I have clients that I know immediately that I want to be friends with... this family was just like that... we got a beautiful day.... and leaves that were still remarkably golden yellow!!!! I hope that you will love your photos as much as I enjoyed spending the afternoon with you!!!!
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Saturday, November 22, 2008

Luck....

I feel lucky to have him.. I do. I dont know which stars aligned or who was in charge... (ok I do) but you know... I dont know why I deserve him...
Most days.... he keeps me sane... and as I write this at 10:52 pm he is entertaining the girls who are up WAY TOO LATE... and eating the cheese toasts I just made him.

I eat my salad and grumble :)... its ok.. the onions and feta will get him later :)

We struggle him and I... really we do...
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and yet, even in struggle... I still am thankful..greatful for him. For his laughter, for his calmness.. for the way he makes me mellow. For his compassion and understanding.. for him. For his acceptance of me when all around us judge... for loving me.. me.. exactly the way I am...
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I dont take photos with him anymore.. the last three babies in rapid succession have taken their tole... I wear their scars.. sometimes not so proud.
I use to be pretty..
I use to be skinny...
I use to turn heads.
I am a mom now.. that is gone.
But when I feel the most like that, I still turn his head. He told me today that I looked more beautiful than I had in months...
I think he told me the same thing last week...
How on earth do I deserve him.... let alone how did I find him?

somewhere half way across the desert right?

the kids are screaming now as he tries in vain to watch something on tv...S pulled my tablet off my desk so know he is cleaning something red off the floor ... I swear.. there is no down time here. the crying, the noise.. wow.

i yell.
he calms.
baby... it will be ok... it is ok...........
promise?
it doesnt feel ok....

Austyn just came in and said.. Im sorry I hurt your feelings.. it was a accccc se dent.
right, an accident.

why do they have to be cute when I am angry?

Austyn just said.. hey HEY... lets get out of this place... really NOW.. there are monsters... I need to go.. lets go... its time for bed.. lets go?
She is hilarious... I want to bottle her.

How can she say she is sorry when there are those that need to that dont? How can their world be so pure, so full in color when as adults life is so black and white?

Life is confusing... my gosh.
We all just try to get by, I am so very thankful that I have him by my side...
him and well all of our many children...
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We are learning the walk.. the plan.. the dream... we are.... bumps.. yes... detours.. many.. laugh lines... o yeah...
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we are trying to be good parents... and good to each other... and it is working :)
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I cant tell you that some days I dont wish to be young again.. to chase leaves and to think all is right.. but I will say this....
I am busy making this my own.. I am busy making my family know wrong from right.... and I think we are all busy chasing Cinderella..... (of course she has so much to teach us)
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She is one of many... teaching us the lessons that somehow along the way we missed. Thank you Cinderella...

Thank you Jerid.
xox

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Welcome to Utah...........

I remember when we moved here. Its burned in my brain, seared... imbedded. Every mile, every tear... every moment. I cant let it go. We drove out of California in the biggest snowstorm they had seen in a century.... inched our way over the pass..... white knuckled it to Carson City... our babies in the car, me gripping my moms hand.... our belongings right behind us. It was a long long trip. I wanted to turn around... pretend that I had forgot something big..
Our house was empty.. the floors had been scrubbed. The memories we had made there, the garden we tended.. the baby we brought home.. well... they would have to be memories...
we drove over the pass and I missed my porch.. I missed my friends..... I missed the seperation I knew we would never have again.

We pulled up to the house we live in now and I looked at my mom and I just cried. I didnt want this. Not now, not ever. I knew what this meant. I knew what living here meant... I knew what I would lose to live here...
But we were a family and we thought this was best...

I cried a lot.

A lot.

And I felt very alone.

We ripped up carpet that was older than me... we painted walls that I wish could tell stories. We moved furniture around... hung curtains.

I cried some more.

It sucked. I tried to be positive... think of the best... Make yummy dinners.. you know, try to be a good mom.. the whole thing.
I tried to make friends.
Smile, even when I felt like the odd man out.

I will be honest. I still want to go home. I miss my mom.. I miss my dad. Above all I miss my son. I miss being able to drive over to my parents house if I need them.. that is something I may never accept. I guess really there are lots of things.
We moved here and his hours were long and my tears were many... and I hid a lot. It was easier. It was safe.


But I love him.

And so we are here.

There are things about this new life that I do love... our homes old wood floors... the no stop light town... the little things... metropolis right?

the fact that this is the place that makes him happier than anywhere else in the world... that matters. The fact that we get close to this valley and I can see him relax.. see him smile. That is enough right?

I went to get my Utah drivers license yesterday... it was funny. When I think DMV... I think California DMV.... you know long lines...drama... headaches, people yelling.. kids screaming...


not the case here.

think.... card tables in the back of the library... $25.00 and an open book test and you too will have a Utah drivers license.

But dang it... I didnt want to give this up... not the weight on it.. or the sun tan.. or the address... but hello.........its been nearly 3 years......
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I think it was a big part of letting go.

You know, that and adding about 29 pounds to my weight... I mean we can bend that truth.. but hello.... what was on there before was a far far stretch.......

like a cut my left leg and o maybe my right arm off too stretch..........

funny.

So I took my test.. and passed and then gave my drivers license from Cali up. A right of passage.. yes...
a step.
yes.
regrets...
sure.
I think about it.

I drove home in Jerids truck with the dog in the back and giggled. The dash held a fishing pole, a binky, a coffee cup.. the floor held a rifle... one of the girls jackets.. some kid shoes.. what a mixture....
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I caught my breath... and looked around. This was my happy.. this is my home. All of it. And dang it, I will own it. I will.

I came home to kids dirty in the yard.. to half strung Christmas lights... to chaos... that was my own... I came HOME
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Another step.... another piece........just more right?
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its good to find me.... even if I took the long way around. Its good to be home.
its funny....
i have learned to let go..
my heart has found its home.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

I thought of her today.....

ok her maybe would cover many people, so let me not get ahead of myself...... we spent the day at the property today...one of our favorite places... a place we go to work.. to think... to decompress even.. the kids play.. not a fight was heard... we love it there. Someday we will spend everyday there... I will love that...
So today Makenna and I set out on the journey to get all the fabric boxes out and all the Christmas lights out... not a small task.. the storage is FULL... boxes had to be moved and opened and well it was a huge mess....
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I moved box after box after box.... cardboard and plastic filled with the kids kindergarten paperwork...pictures for mom... my highschool memorabilla... you know.. boxes and boxes of it... it was overwhelming.. it always is. And then I saw it... a box labeled... Jerid good winter clothes..... Jerid good boots.... it wasnt my handwriting... or my moms or his..... it was hers. You know. His first wife... the one before me.... Her. And dang.... her writing honestly it got to me. I paused. I thought about her, about them about what they looked like together... no kids.. just them.. I let my mind go there... you know to the how was it.. what was it like.... if he loved her more... all that.. yep I went there. I wondered where she was, what she was like and why she had gone. I did. And then I silently thanked her........

I kept moving boxes.

I found one labeled... "Mason good baby clothes" the writing once again wasnt mine.
It was his. You know, the husband I had before. The one before Jerid.... it honestly sucked to think about this all in one afternoon. I looked at the writing and was glad that I still didnt belong to it.... in some wierd way.
And yet. That is a part of my story.... we are all formed by the bits and pieces.. the parts... both good and bad. It is all part of it.
We are blended Jerid and I... we both have stories and pasts that some days I think we would both prefer to forget... but it each is a piece.
I kept thinking over and over in my head... thank you.. thank you... thank you......
there are no clean breaks........ but thank you.......
See this is all mine now.. the good the bad.... the crazy..... I will take it....
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I thought a bit about me today... about how sometimes life seems hard to me.. I talked to my dear friend L about how I can work on this... how I can step back and accept who I am and where I have been and then move on... it is a piece...
I am working on it, there is no such thing as perfect right.......
I tried to capture beauty today... to breathe it... to allow it.... I honestly did.
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Love is a funny funny thing... you can love someone with all your heart and it can be wrong... I was telling a story today about decorating for Christmas... remembering a house I once lived in... a beautiful house with a big big picture window... a walkway.. two car garage.. picket fence... you know.. the house you dream about... I was telling my friend that I decorated it so perfectly for Christmas one year... villages, ribbon, homemade wreaths, tinsel, twinkling lights.. the whole works.. it was amazing... people came from all over town to see my home... to see the decorations.. it was incredible... they would walk up to the window and just smile... peer in... dream.... they were in awe.

I was the saddest I have ever been that Christmas... my divorce was filed that February....
I decorated because it was all I had. If my world sucked then I could at least make it look pretty right?

Most of that "stuff" is in boxes now... there is no room for it in this house we live in... there is no time for us to look pretty. And honestly we have way way too many kids that we would have to be telling NO NO to. The decorations will have to wait.
We will hang lights.... lots and lots of lights... and my sign that reads HOPE.... we will put out little stuff.. no crowds will gather.. but it will still be amazing.
We will thank them... we will thank eachother....
we will realize that we got the greatest gift of all.

And no matter the past... we have the now.......
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It is far more than twinkling lights... then picket fences.... it all really boils down to commitment and promises....
o and being with the right person...
the one that is unwilling to take the easy road and walk away...
the one that you trust.. even when you dont trust yourself...
the one that makes you laugh until you cry.
you know.
the one.
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my life is beautiful... I just have to remember to take the time to see.....


o and I know I have said it before.... but, thanks Jo...........