2009... Christmas and such..........

good post to follow I swear.. but for now........

Merry Christmas.......
and may the new year bring you everything you need...........



thank you to my family......
and to my friends that have become family...
and to Februarys........ many of them...
and to good coffee.....
and good wine........
and good memories.
and to the promise of the future.
and for the forgetting of the past.

thank you.

Here is to 2009................................

Em....

She never knew when I met her that she would change my life... neither did I. She lived under me in our tiny apartments in the part of town that was safe but affordable. She was amazing.
I looked up to her... I had no idea she was younger than I.
She was an amazing mom.. the kind I wanted to be.

We moved.. grew up.. grew apart.. kept having babies..
life continued.... continues.

I had the chance last week to see her again... our daughters are still best friends.. as are we. She is still amazing... life is still moving...
Em... the world is yours. It is at your door. It is knocking.

Open it. Answer it.



You are your childrens world. You are their moon and stars. Just as you were years ago. Some things never change.
I remember her.. Id go to her for help with dinner with diaper rashes... with love or the lack thereof... we would drive her crazy stationwagon with hides all over it to every thrift store in town...
we would laugh...
we would cry..
we would swap clothes and diapers when we needed them...
we would cry a lot.






She was the mom I always wanted to be... now I want her to learn to be that mom again... she can. She is amazing.


she just needs to remember... and to know...

We love you Em... we all do.
Look what we created.........



the next crazy generation of us.............. we must teach them... grow them......... love them........



Love yourself Em... find yourself. They need you. So do I. So does everyone else. We believe in you. You taught us that.........
remember.
You deserve the moon and the stars....... and all that is inbetween.........

trust.
love.
yourself and them.
we are here for you. We are all behind you. Here for you. Loving you.
We know your potential.

You my dear, are amazing.

Sneek peek for Wendy.....

What a beautiful family that braved the cold!!! I cant wait for you to see all of your photos!!!!

Hard to believe.....

Its hard to believe that in just a little over a week she will be two. It was New Years Eve and I swore that I wasnt in labor... I had been having contractions pretty much for 7 weeks... I didnt think that that day was any different... I still had so many weeks left to go...
We drove to our hospital and I figured that we would be home by dark. We had things to do... fireworks to watch and a New Year to ring in... I had plans you know.
I was so sure that I wasnt in labor that I didnt even take a bag or a camera.. no phone lists of people to call, none of it.

Savanah-Grace had other plans. Not only was I in labor.. but very very active labor.. she was delivered by a very scary c-section early that night. She was teeny tiny and not quite ready to be born... she flew on her first airplane ride that night just a few minutes after the new year with her daddy to a NICU up north. It was a very scary time for all of us.



Since I had just had a c-section I was unable to be with her for two days. Her daddy never left her side. What a bond those two have...


When we brought her home she was tiny (under 4lbs) and sick. I remember watching her lay on the couch and wondering if she would be ok. I remember being very scared a lot.
Of all of our kids she is the one with the most spice... She is a fireball and most days makes me want to pull my hair out. She is curious and sweet... fiesty and loud. Man, she is really loud.

So before I get caught up in this last few days before Christmas I wanted to post these pictures of S.... my she is still bitty...but look how she has grown.

Perspective.......

Noun....
1. A view or vista.
2. A mental view or outlook

"It is useful occasionally to look at the past to gain a perspective on the present" (Fabian Linden).

Perspective.. what a wonderful thing. I was driving to town yesterday thinking about the snow... about it being beautiful and a pain all at once... I was thinking about how long it just took me to get three under three bundled, wrapped, shoes & hats on and then out to the car in the snow.. its tiring... but the water... we need the water.. we get that from the snow... so its a small price to pay right? We need this season and all that it brings so that we can enjoy the next one. Spring will be all the more beautiful the more snow that we get...

It was amazing at how much I could relate that to life... Honestly I think we have to take the good, the bad, the evil.. to enjoy and to be able to see the beauty around us. Its that balance, to know sorrow so that we may enjoy happiness.

We all have so much and it is easy to be distracted... to forget..
I am trying to retrain my eyes, my heart, my soul... to see the beauty even when that is not how it appears...

to view the world beyond just the black and white.... maybe to help others view it the same..
perspective right?

I just want to sew............

really......
quilt something beautiful. embroider it....

i dont want to be here and do this today. really i dont.

my hands look old as i type and it scares me.
my tears run down my hands and fall into the dry cracks and it hurts.
i told him i was done today.
done with the whole charade......
i was angry and he just didnt understand... didnt understand who i was and how i got here.. and how we got here...
and neither did i.
we went round and round and round again.......all back to the pretty little box that life just doesn't quite fit into. somedays the wrapping fits, but just not quite the bow.

its a vicious circle. a vicious cycle.


its scary to want out and yet not know where to go... its scary to know you need to stay. we are not children anymore him and i... we have lots of them.. but children we are not. our decisions are permanent. binding. complete.

it scares me. we say things in anger that cut to the quick.. words that we cant ever take back and yet we say them.. loudly even.

i want to run and know, that this is where i would run to. How in heck do you explain that?
as a child,
My mom use to vaccuum..............constantly...........
She was desperately clinging to making a clean healthy home.
900 square feet.
she vacuumed.
cleaned and cleaned and cleaned and cleaned....................................................
and then she stopped. one day she stopped. unplugged the vaccuum and...
.. played with us
my brother and I.
she sat on the floor.
and played.
for 15 years......on the floor playing with us.
She swears, the best 15 years of her life.
She says she had to gain perspective.
she did.
She had to figure it out.
and she did.
She wrote in her journal.
she was our mom.
She loved being our mom.
She would not trade those years for anything.
my mom is an optimist.


i wish i were more like her.


Again Today : (Brandi Carlile)

Broken sticks and broken stones
Will turn to dust just like our bones
It's words that hurt the most now isn't it
Are you sad inside, are you home alone
If I could just pick up the phone
Maybe you could see a better day
And you won't waste away
under my watchful eye
Because I'm your hero and you're my weakness

Who's gonna break my fall
When the spinning starts
The colors bleed together and fade
Was it ever there at all
Or have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today

I'm broken down, not good enough
The broken promises add up
To twice their weight in tears which I have caused

I'm afraid to sink, I'm afraid to swim
I'm sad to say I miss my friends
I know that I'm supposed to step away
But they need me to stay and keep a watchful eye
On all my heroes and all their demons

But who's gonna break my fall
When the spinning starts
The colors bleed together and fade
Was it ever there at all
Or have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again
Not today
Not today

Was it ever there at all
And have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today

Broken sticks and broken stones
Will turn to dust just like our bones again today
I'm broken down
Not good enough
The broken promises add up again today

Was it ever there at all
And have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today
Again today



im not sure why it seems so hard some days.. and why other days it just seems like life.



i am angry and wish to take back a long long drive on a friday night a long long time ago. take back a last name and mayberry. take back promises that i am having to live up to.

growing up huh? life... lines.....
this is all so much harder than I had imagined.

Was it ever there at all
And have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today
Again today

Happy Birthday Drake...........

What a doll and such a fun session.... :) Can you just stand his eyes?




and I LOVE this one..........