I just want to sew............

really......
quilt something beautiful. embroider it....

i dont want to be here and do this today. really i dont.

my hands look old as i type and it scares me.
my tears run down my hands and fall into the dry cracks and it hurts.
i told him i was done today.
done with the whole charade......
i was angry and he just didnt understand... didnt understand who i was and how i got here.. and how we got here...
and neither did i.
we went round and round and round again.......all back to the pretty little box that life just doesn't quite fit into. somedays the wrapping fits, but just not quite the bow.

its a vicious circle. a vicious cycle.


its scary to want out and yet not know where to go... its scary to know you need to stay. we are not children anymore him and i... we have lots of them.. but children we are not. our decisions are permanent. binding. complete.

it scares me. we say things in anger that cut to the quick.. words that we cant ever take back and yet we say them.. loudly even.

i want to run and know, that this is where i would run to. How in heck do you explain that?
as a child,
My mom use to vaccuum..............constantly...........
She was desperately clinging to making a clean healthy home.
900 square feet.
she vacuumed.
cleaned and cleaned and cleaned and cleaned....................................................
and then she stopped. one day she stopped. unplugged the vaccuum and...
.. played with us
my brother and I.
she sat on the floor.
and played.
for 15 years......on the floor playing with us.
She swears, the best 15 years of her life.
She says she had to gain perspective.
she did.
She had to figure it out.
and she did.
She wrote in her journal.
she was our mom.
She loved being our mom.
She would not trade those years for anything.
my mom is an optimist.


i wish i were more like her.


Again Today : (Brandi Carlile)

Broken sticks and broken stones
Will turn to dust just like our bones
It's words that hurt the most now isn't it
Are you sad inside, are you home alone
If I could just pick up the phone
Maybe you could see a better day
And you won't waste away
under my watchful eye
Because I'm your hero and you're my weakness

Who's gonna break my fall
When the spinning starts
The colors bleed together and fade
Was it ever there at all
Or have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today

I'm broken down, not good enough
The broken promises add up
To twice their weight in tears which I have caused

I'm afraid to sink, I'm afraid to swim
I'm sad to say I miss my friends
I know that I'm supposed to step away
But they need me to stay and keep a watchful eye
On all my heroes and all their demons

But who's gonna break my fall
When the spinning starts
The colors bleed together and fade
Was it ever there at all
Or have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again
Not today
Not today

Was it ever there at all
And have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today

Broken sticks and broken stones
Will turn to dust just like our bones again today
I'm broken down
Not good enough
The broken promises add up again today

Was it ever there at all
And have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today
Again today



im not sure why it seems so hard some days.. and why other days it just seems like life.



i am angry and wish to take back a long long drive on a friday night a long long time ago. take back a last name and mayberry. take back promises that i am having to live up to.

growing up huh? life... lines.....
this is all so much harder than I had imagined.

Was it ever there at all
And have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today
Again today