Jerid and I fought tonight.... the yucky I dont want to be here anymore fights... you know the ones... the where is the door? Where is out? Why am I here? It was one of those... made even more perfect by the yelling and threats.... good times.... for sure.
One of those fights where life seems like a better plan somewhere else, anywhere else... just not here and for surely not the heck now. I can honestly say that I can count on one hand the times we have fought like that... I hate it.. it sucks...
Life is hard sometimes.. sometimes our dreams outweigh reality... sometimes the reality is much harder than originally planned... sometimes the crying, the bills, the lack of sleep... the juggling the organizing.. sometimes life.. well sometimes it smothers me. Sometimes I feel like I am stuck in Mayberry trying to figure it all out alone... sometimes.. somedays.. I hate that.. that is the honest truth.
And then I am reminded of just how precious life is. A shock really... a slap in the face perhaps... I was trying to find a photo of Jerid and I to put in this post and stumbled upon a folder of photos from last summer... when I drove to Idaho for a wedding and for a much too premature goodbye...
You see... one of my cousins was saying "I do" and another was saying goodbye...... it was so wrong and yet so right all at once. It was a conflict of emotions.. an assault on my heart. Mad.. happy... happy... sad.... pissed... and above all...
I was so mad at God.
Id be lying if I said I am over that...
I am working on it.. but not over it. Its hard sometimes to trust him and to understand the bigger plan...
We are a society where we want to know right now what is going on and why it is what it is and what will happen tomorrow and if its not toooo tooo much to ask can I have a road map and some really good drinks for the trip??????????????
Really.... the uncertain scares me.
But I know this. I made vows. For better or worse...
I love him... someday this will all seem like a little blip.. right?????????
Sometimes it seems easier to walk (run) away... but dangit... look at the luggage I would have to pack for all of these kids... think about it.. the logistics... the drama...
I learned something when my two cousins were at such different crossroads in their lives...
and its funny we celebrated one's journey and mourned the others... maybe we should have celebrated both?
they were nearly the same age...
it didnt seem fair but they were both starting a new and unique journey... they both knew it..
one was preparing for a husband and to have children...
the other was preparing to say goodbye to his...
I spoke to him nearly everyday for the next 6 weeks, sometimes many many times a day..I memorized his voice, his laughter... him
...I tried to make him hopeful, talked about warm beaches.. feeling good again... beating cancer... camping... dreaming... dancing...
you know the talks...
you have so much to live for...
look at your children....
we love you... you will be ok...promise....
he is gone. but I try to remember these things everyday. Life is hard.. really stinking hard.. and most days a challenge that Id like to walk from. But honestly...
we have so much to live for....
look at my children....
i love him.....we will be ok... promise............
thank you so much Ben, for everything.. for it all...... I love and miss you so so much.
It is the sweet simple things of life which are the real ones...... after all.
Laura Ingles Wilder....
