"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal- is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he has been robbed. The fact is that most putts don't drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to be just people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, and most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is just like an old time rail journey with delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinder, and jolts, interspersed occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."---Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley
"The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one." - Elbert Hubbard

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Sunday, November 16, 2008

I thought of her today.....

ok her maybe would cover many people, so let me not get ahead of myself...... we spent the day at the property today...one of our favorite places... a place we go to work.. to think... to decompress even.. the kids play.. not a fight was heard... we love it there. Someday we will spend everyday there... I will love that...
So today Makenna and I set out on the journey to get all the fabric boxes out and all the Christmas lights out... not a small task.. the storage is FULL... boxes had to be moved and opened and well it was a huge mess....
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I moved box after box after box.... cardboard and plastic filled with the kids kindergarten paperwork...pictures for mom... my highschool memorabilla... you know.. boxes and boxes of it... it was overwhelming.. it always is. And then I saw it... a box labeled... Jerid good winter clothes..... Jerid good boots.... it wasnt my handwriting... or my moms or his..... it was hers. You know. His first wife... the one before me.... Her. And dang.... her writing honestly it got to me. I paused. I thought about her, about them about what they looked like together... no kids.. just them.. I let my mind go there... you know to the how was it.. what was it like.... if he loved her more... all that.. yep I went there. I wondered where she was, what she was like and why she had gone. I did. And then I silently thanked her........

I kept moving boxes.

I found one labeled... "Mason good baby clothes" the writing once again wasnt mine.
It was his. You know, the husband I had before. The one before Jerid.... it honestly sucked to think about this all in one afternoon. I looked at the writing and was glad that I still didnt belong to it.... in some wierd way.
And yet. That is a part of my story.... we are all formed by the bits and pieces.. the parts... both good and bad. It is all part of it.
We are blended Jerid and I... we both have stories and pasts that some days I think we would both prefer to forget... but it each is a piece.
I kept thinking over and over in my head... thank you.. thank you... thank you......
there are no clean breaks........ but thank you.......
See this is all mine now.. the good the bad.... the crazy..... I will take it....
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I thought a bit about me today... about how sometimes life seems hard to me.. I talked to my dear friend L about how I can work on this... how I can step back and accept who I am and where I have been and then move on... it is a piece...
I am working on it, there is no such thing as perfect right.......
I tried to capture beauty today... to breathe it... to allow it.... I honestly did.
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Love is a funny funny thing... you can love someone with all your heart and it can be wrong... I was telling a story today about decorating for Christmas... remembering a house I once lived in... a beautiful house with a big big picture window... a walkway.. two car garage.. picket fence... you know.. the house you dream about... I was telling my friend that I decorated it so perfectly for Christmas one year... villages, ribbon, homemade wreaths, tinsel, twinkling lights.. the whole works.. it was amazing... people came from all over town to see my home... to see the decorations.. it was incredible... they would walk up to the window and just smile... peer in... dream.... they were in awe.

I was the saddest I have ever been that Christmas... my divorce was filed that February....
I decorated because it was all I had. If my world sucked then I could at least make it look pretty right?

Most of that "stuff" is in boxes now... there is no room for it in this house we live in... there is no time for us to look pretty. And honestly we have way way too many kids that we would have to be telling NO NO to. The decorations will have to wait.
We will hang lights.... lots and lots of lights... and my sign that reads HOPE.... we will put out little stuff.. no crowds will gather.. but it will still be amazing.
We will thank them... we will thank eachother....
we will realize that we got the greatest gift of all.

And no matter the past... we have the now.......
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It is far more than twinkling lights... then picket fences.... it all really boils down to commitment and promises....
o and being with the right person...
the one that is unwilling to take the easy road and walk away...
the one that you trust.. even when you dont trust yourself...
the one that makes you laugh until you cry.
you know.
the one.
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my life is beautiful... I just have to remember to take the time to see.....


o and I know I have said it before.... but, thanks Jo...........

3 comments:

robynn said...

love your life pics kelly....it is so hard being a mom to many...I've needed to change a lot about who I am and where I am going or want to go..in order to live in the now and serve my family in their journey....I think you are being wise living for the because you can't get it back..teach them today the ways they should go...the tricky thing is..I need to know where I am going....lol...keep posting:)

The Madsens said...

how do you get the antique look to your pics? if you dont mind me asking

Jenny B said...

Girl, you make me cry! You need to write a book, your posts go straight to my heart. It is like you are living my life;)