I remember when we moved here. Its burned in my brain, seared... imbedded. Every mile, every tear... every moment. I cant let it go. We drove out of California in the biggest snowstorm they had seen in a century.... inched our way over the pass..... white knuckled it to Carson City... our babies in the car, me gripping my moms hand.... our belongings right behind us. It was a long long trip. I wanted to turn around... pretend that I had forgot something big..
Our house was empty.. the floors had been scrubbed. The memories we had made there, the garden we tended.. the baby we brought home.. well... they would have to be memories...
we drove over the pass and I missed my porch.. I missed my friends..... I missed the seperation I knew we would never have again.
We pulled up to the house we live in now and I looked at my mom and I just cried. I didnt want this. Not now, not ever. I knew what this meant. I knew what living here meant... I knew what I would lose to live here...
But we were a family and we thought this was best...
I cried a lot.
And I felt very alone.
We ripped up carpet that was older than me... we painted walls that I wish could tell stories. We moved furniture around... hung curtains.
I cried some more.
It sucked. I tried to be positive... think of the best... Make yummy dinners.. you know, try to be a good mom.. the whole thing.
I tried to make friends.
Smile, even when I felt like the odd man out.
I will be honest. I still want to go home. I miss my mom.. I miss my dad. Above all I miss my son. I miss being able to drive over to my parents house if I need them.. that is something I may never accept. I guess really there are lots of things.
We moved here and his hours were long and my tears were many... and I hid a lot. It was easier. It was safe.
But I love him.
And so we are here.
There are things about this new life that I do love... our homes old wood floors... the no stop light town... the little things... metropolis right?
the fact that this is the place that makes him happier than anywhere else in the world... that matters. The fact that we get close to this valley and I can see him relax.. see him smile. That is enough right?
I went to get my Utah drivers license yesterday... it was funny. When I think DMV... I think California DMV.... you know long lines...drama... headaches, people yelling.. kids screaming...
not the case here.
think.... card tables in the back of the library... $25.00 and an open book test and you too will have a Utah drivers license.
But dang it... I didnt want to give this up... not the weight on it.. or the sun tan.. or the address... but hello.........its been nearly 3 years......
I think it was a big part of letting go.
You know, that and adding about 29 pounds to my weight... I mean we can bend that truth.. but hello.... what was on there before was a far far stretch.......
like a cut my left leg and o maybe my right arm off too stretch..........
So I took my test.. and passed and then gave my drivers license from Cali up. A right of passage.. yes...
I think about it.
I drove home in Jerids truck with the dog in the back and giggled. The dash held a fishing pole, a binky, a coffee cup.. the floor held a rifle... one of the girls jackets.. some kid shoes.. what a mixture....
I caught my breath... and looked around. This was my happy.. this is my home. All of it. And dang it, I will own it. I will.
I came home to kids dirty in the yard.. to half strung Christmas lights... to chaos... that was my own... I came HOME
Another step.... another piece........just more right?
its good to find me.... even if I took the long way around. Its good to be home.
i have learned to let go..
my heart has found its home.