Monday, November 3, 2008
All i wanted was to be a mom. I remember as a child playing house with my friends and demanding to be the mom. I wanted a billion children... and a house on a hill with a white picket fence. I wanted to sit in a porch swing and sing to my kids. I wanted to make their clothes and make lemonaid. Its all I wanted. I wanted to be like my mom.. to keep a perfect house.. to bake cookies and hide all the worlds inperfections from my children. I wanted them to know nothing bad, nothing evil. I grew up loved, and happy and safe and I wanted the same for my own children.
I am a mom now... and it seems so hard. When I wake in the morning to someone crying I know how the day will be. I live in a constant whirl of laundry..dishes... meals... schedules... carpools.. time-outs and more laundry.. I feel that so much of every day is spent doing the same damn thing. This is what I wanted. I wanted this. I created this. And yet I find myself wondering sometimes where the magic door out is. I feel like I live in a state of working for my family, where I thought we would always work together...
How is it that this is where I am...... how is it that this is so far from where I came from... how is it that 5 little people look up to me to make the decisions, the plans the dreams and yet I can't make mine?
My baby just came in and asked me if she could sing me a princess song because I am her princess...she told me the sun went down... but mommy... where did it go?????????? she sang... her beautiful blue eyes looking into mine. I stopped typing. I stopped worrying...
I guess if I can be a 3 year olds princess then my world isnt that bad... is it?
Thank goodness the sun went down.... and thank God.. that it will all be back tomorrow. I really wouldnt want it any other way.